a funhouse version of himself laughing,
an eclipse where his mouth should be.
so smart. Just like him.
he fell off the roof one Christmas
& kept on falling. The snow embraced him
like the open sea swallows a sinking ship.
dad vs. the State of California.
I am talking about criminalities.
I am talking about the act of committing a crime
as inseparable from being a criminal.
my face is a long stretch of unshaven
years, stacked neatly on the tile.
each implosion is entirely my fault
(it is not my fault
but it is, still, entirely my fault).
a portrait of god in his sunhat, shears poised
before an unsuspecting shoot of green.
I no longer wish to be called honey,
shrink from your touch.
my story is changing. I cannot remember
what is real & what is just a name.
fuck the government. Fuck the law,
the police, the purse-clutchers,
& every asshole with a brand-new car.
an alternative phrase
for airing your dirty laundry is
I have nowhere left to hide.
I made a mess of it, drank myself stupid
& rode that white line like a bronc.
the record is stuck. A scratchy repeat:
just like him.
each year feels more & more like a dare.
shame is a debt unpayable. Please,
don’t make me explain.