The biopsy revealed the start of tooth and bone material, keratin and hair, the beginning and ending of what would have been my twin at conception. Located on the right side of my uterus, holding this flotsam and weighing just under a gram, the equivalent of a single raisin or a quarter of a teaspoon of sugar, was a tumor the size of a plump grape.
We won’t have oncology’s final report for ten days, but it’s looking good. I don’t see any cause for concern. The surrounding tissue was clear, and it looks good. You did great.
In my head I thought, how does a person unconscious, under the backward counting water of general anesthesia, do great? Did I take the medicine well? Or did she mean my body did great under the pressure of foreign instruments being inside of it? Did I do great with the stress of my skin opening under bright lights with masked faces? The origin story of my womanhood and the site of my motherhood the main character in the operating theater. Did my wounded womb do great in not fruiting cancer?
The surgeon told me this very good news while looking past my shoulder at the chrome wall clock hung above a pastoral scene of baby animals circled together under a sunless blue. Breathe, the poster commanded. She avoided eye contact as she spoke to me, which struck me as odd, evasive even.
But this is good news, doc. I wanted to say “Doc” the way Bugs Bunny did. Maybe she was lost in her own thoughts while she autopiloted this update. Was it too late in the day for a coffee? Would that ruin her sleep? Did she leave the chicken breast out to thaw? Would her son call that evening? Would he remember today was her birthday? Or maybe she was embarrassed to see me, the obediently sleeping patient, now awake, eyes open and unblinking. This peculiar girl, me, needing one ovary removed, along with a cyst, and while we’re at it, let’s tie up those tubes, too. Weeks before the procedure, this same doctor tenderly, softly, delicately, asked if I’d want to be sterilized while they were ‘in there.’ It would be painless, and my insurance covered it.
Sure, I said. Fuck it, yeah, why not. I thought I saw her flinch internally at how easily I agreed to close down shop, to seal off the dam. I’d had two babies, now high schoolers; I saw no need to be greedy and ask the stork for more. Plus, I flashed on how liberating it would be to have unsafe sex with no fear of pregnancy. Sexually transmitted illnesses were always the lone bullet in the game of one-night stands and casual encounters; they were resolvable. Mostly. But an unplanned pregnancy in a country where politicians were pushing for murder charges to apply to abortion, that escalated the self-harm of Russian roulette to a wider and more permanent wound.
Did she remember that conversation now? Or was she offended when I showed up for surgery this Tuesday, at five in the morning, in the newly remodeled outpatient wing of the Catholic hospital on the far east side of town, with a fresh Brazilian wax? In preparation for this procedure, even though no one would be going near my down there, I paid eighty-five dollars to have it all removed. It felt like a good-mannerly thing to do at the time. And an expensive gesture of anxiety at being naked in a room full of strangers. A Brazilian in the middle of a snowed-in winter up in the mountains of New Mexico during a dating slump when not a soul was visiting my down there was a cost I felt I needed to pay. A tax. A toll paid without being asked so that, while the surgeon would be bypassing that now hairless seam between my legs and going straight to the middle of me by way of lower abdomen into the uterus, landing on fallopian tubage, she would see that I went to painful and costly lengths to take care of my womanhood.
What’s up, Doc? I said it without meaning to. I was thinking it, but now I’ve said it, interrupting her post-op care instructions. No water on the wound site for six days; no excessive activity; expect some spotting; no sexual intercourse for four weeks.
Uh. I—she looked at me now.
Shit, sorry, I offered. More embarrassed at my Bugs Bunny outburst than at the bit of drool that came with it. Why was my face numb? I can’t feel my face when I’m with you. Who sang that? The Weeknd. I need to remember to listen to that song on the drive home. Wait, when am I going home?
Like she could hear my doped-up thoughts inside my head, she returned to my hearing ears now with,
It’s fine. The anesthesia can have a euphoric effect. Makes some patients find themselves saying or doing things they normally wouldn’t.
Yes.
What?
Oh. Sorry. I thought I heard a question in there. It took all of my facial muscles to not laugh. More drool. I lifted up my paw to wipe my face elegantly. With my paw. Wait that’s my hand. Why is it furry?
Doc, I feel weird. Then I laid down on the paper-sheeted table I’d been sitting on. No memory of arriving in this room now. What time was it? I’ll close my eyes for a moment and get my shit together.
That’s normal, you’re ok. The anesthesia will fade from your system in an hour or so. I have a note here that your ride is waiting for you. Can you hear me, Nicole? Ok good. I see you nodding yes. Your ride is here, er, Amir? Amir. He is ready for you, so I’ll get the nurse to collect your belongings and get you set up to be discharged shortly. Ok? I’ll see you in two weeks to check on your recovery. You did great. Take care.
Ok.
She scribbled lines on her paper, and I was sure it was just scribbled lines, not words from our alphabet because her tiny brown hand was moving so fast and in zigzags, not in the linear way we write. I couldn’t see these marks or the hand making them, but the pen scratching the paper was so loud and furious I could see it all through my closed eyes.
Pretty gross to find teeth and stuff in there, I said to the back of her head as I imagined her exiting.
Right, Doc? I mean that’s kinda freaking me out.
Don’t let it, or try not to. It’s not as rare as you might think. The important thing is it’s removed. Focus on that.
Right, okay. So.
And then it was just me and the soft whoosh of the hospital air conditioning system sending currents of cool wind my way. I rolled to my side and hugged my knees toward me, but that hurt, so I had to slowly straighten my legs without engaging my abs, which is a lot harder than it sounds, and let the bed hold me flat-backed. I took a deep sigh and waited. Waited for the nurse to come and take my signature for the tenth time; waited for her to help me sit up and remove this disposable gown; put on the clothes I packed with pain in mind. Oversized joggers, a wire-free bralette, a zip-up sweatshirt, fluffy socks to push into open-toed Adidas slides, and a beanie to hide the frizz of a bob bent all kinds of crazy through the sleep of this excavation. Comfortable clothes to bundle up this silly body that’s laughing and drooling and completely about to break into a crying jag as the painkillers wear off and I come back to myself. I can feel the fluorescent lights flickering in my brain trying to turn on and take it all in with measure. You probably don’t have cancer. You nearly had a twin. You did great in being cut open a little bit to get her out. You slept through it all like a good girl. You have a friend here to drive you home in your comfy clothes. You have a pain deep inside that the doctor could and could not reach. Part of that is gone now. But what of it remains?